Mom Guilt

This has nothing to do with you but weighs so heavily on me that I don't want to talk about it with anyone else. This morning I sat in the car, late for work, with a lump in my throat and the inability to move. Not all mornings are like this. Most mornings you say, "YAY! Mae-MaeSue's" (daycare) and are eager to run in and see your friends. You give me a hug and kiss and say byebye. But today as I was walking away you jumped off the chair and sprinted to stop me. Your face was bright red, tears were streaming down your face, and you cried, "I want you, Mom" and grabbed onto me. You were sobbing and wrapped your arms around my neck as I picked you up and held you tight. I froze. What do I do? I couldn't just shove you off. Some days I have to distract you if you get clingy, but this was different. You NEEDED me. So I hugged you tighter, I wiped your tears, and I managed to keep my tears hidden under my eyes.

I felt (feel) like a good mom wouldn't have to say goodbye to her child every morning. A good mom would be at home making toast and reading books and starting crafts. A good mom would be on all fours pretending to be a horse instead of standing outside at 7 30 am, in the cold, wobbling on high heels trying to comfort her son because she couldn't spend time with him; work was waiting for her.

This guilt creeps up every so often and I have to look at the positives that come from me working outside of our home. We need the money for a bigger home for you to play in, for nice clothes, for insurance, for your future hobbies, and for your college. I like that you will view your mom as a hard worker, a career woman, a go-getter, a woman who can start her own and run her own business, a powerful, independent woman. You LOVE daycare and have so many friends. Your social interaction is phenomenal and Kathy's family is like our extended family. You pray for them every night.

The positives are true. But if I said that the positives outweigh the negatives right now, I'd be lying. It doesn't feel right in my gut. I want to be with you every morning and afternoon. I want to put you down for your nap :( This isn't what I had imagined but it was we have to do. I am so blessed to have 4.5 hours with you at night and holiday weeks and long summer breaks to soak up precious smiles and naughty shenanigans.

Today was just a hard day. You and I are so close and I feel like I should protect you and comfort you from things that hurt. Today, I was the one that hurt you and I couldn't make it better. I handed you to Laura and told you I loved you and I'd be back soon. You reached out for me and I shut the door. My heart broke in a million pieces and I prayed that you'd stop crying as soon as your breakfast was served or a friend asked you to play. Oh yes, there's those tears again.

I don't think there's a right answer for moms and dads out there. Some work at home and some leave to work. Some can work part time and think that's a perfect solution. Your dad and I are trying to find the right balance for our family too. There are weeks that I think I am super mom and other weeks that I feel like I've failed. I'm not perfect, but I am trying SO hard, Owen, to the best mom for you that I can be.

love you ever ever too,
me

I just want you to know I love you to the depths of my every being. I miss you every second and think of you all day.