Deep Breaths

You see that video at the top of this page? The one of the itty bitty baby reaching, smiling, and cooing at his mama who is getting used to the whole baby talk thing? I watched that video with my big boy. We watched it a lot because he kept pleading, "More?" "More?" He would put his fat little finger up to the computer screen and smile. I would croak, "That's you babe, that's you when you were soooo little," while big, fat, bittersweet tears fell on the keyboard. You kept smiling, soaking in that little baby's smile, while I stroked your soft toddler cheek, outlining your sweet toddler jaw, kissing the spikey hair that was styled upon that tough toddler head. I felt torn. I want to keep you in the form of that little baby with those HUGE round blue eyes but I want to hold on to this funny entertaining- sloppy- kissing- heavy- arm- throwing -hugging toddler too.

I am holding on to this time while it is still just the two of us. Soon enough you will go from being my baby to becoming a big brother and though I can't wait to watch you fulfill that role with love and gusto, I can't help but mourn for the time that I might miss with you. Some days I feel guilty about not being able to "run" very fast from room to room (on all fours) while we play doggy. Other days I wonder if you'll miss sitting on this "shelf" your sister has made while your long legs hang on either side. Today though I feel excited for you to see her. Something tells me you'll think she's a gift just for you. I dont know why. (But even that thought is sending me reeling into a million more emotions.) Life is going to be different soon but it is going to be SO good. And when she is here I will miss taking you to the Ob with me every week and watching you flirt with Janelle. I'll miss our practice check ups and then watching you rock the real performance - the measuring tape, the gel, the wipes. I'll miss waddling behind you as you push the stroller to the exit and say goodbye to Betty.

Some days are REALLY hard on me but God knows I wouldn't change any of it. I love being pregnant and having life inside of me. I love being a mom. ANd I know you will love being a big brother :)

xoxoxxo