19 months

I'll be honest. Part of me has stayed a safe distance from your blog because I didn't know where to start. Another part of me didn't know what to say. Today, after 3 days of taking care of you AND Molly, I am ready to begin where I left off January 6th.

We have all changed a lot in the last 3 weeks. You have been going to daycare while I figure out this newborn/nursing/visitors/keeping everyone alive and somewhat healthy thing. I had a terrible time not having you here - while I have time at home. I felt like I was missing out - I felt like you were learning new things and I wasn't there to see them. I felt like you were growing up and I didn't know you anymore. I know that sounds extreme, but throw in post pregnancy hormones, sleep deprivation, and me missing my side kick (you) and thats what you get. So the last 3 days I have had you at home with me - I wanted to take advantage of this time at home... the truth is though - there isnt a lot of time to do all these great plans I had for us. I wanted to take you to story time at the library, gymboree for music class and open gym, and swim lessons. I had a TON of arts and crafts ideas. Here's the truth: there is NO time to take advantage of. Between diaper changes for two, naps for TWO, feeding and nursing, picking up and pumping, and trying to find a moment to feed me or respond to a ton of calls/emails/gifts I don't have much free time. We still had fun, don't get me wrong, but it was hard and I am tired. I'm still getting the hang of all of this again.

This is the part where I knew I would cry because every time it crossed my mind I teared up..........

I know I have thanked you before for making me a mom. You taught me all I know. But I appreciate it more now that I am a mom to your sister as well. I can change a diaper in the dark - I can nurse AND walk around the house - I can look doctor's in the eyes and demand to know more - I have confidence because I KNOW I know what is best for my babies. You taught me how to love bigger, stronger, and more unconditionally than I ever thought possible. You showed me how to let go of lists and just have a lazy day playing in my pjs. You made me a pro at this mom gig. So as I struggle at being a "mom of 2 under 2" I have to remember that you gave me all I need to do this right. I love you for every challenging thing you throw at me and I love you for every smile and hug you reward me with - you make me believe I am good at this. I am changing right along with you. I know I will make mistakes. I def. know I'm not perfect. However, I am doing my best and that is all I ever want from you.

So - you will go to library time and gymboree a month from now when I can grab a bottle for your sister (and not have to feed her every 2 hours) and you can go to open gym and swim classes when your dad can come along and help.

I'm not sure where to put this so I will just write it here. Thanks for not acting jealous towards your sister. I had some terrible MOM GUILT going on (ok, ok, I still have a little) but your sweet ways with her makes it so much better. You have loved on her and welcomed her into this family with no reservations. As your Papa says, "You are so awesome!"


love, mom

p.s. get ready for a huge post of pictures and updates on your newest antics!